Shameful Makeup Sex

I know that after you breakup with someone you're not supposed to go back to them for sex. As much as you want it to be meaningless and shallow, it just never is. You remember how much love there used to be, how much they meant to you, and the meaningless, physical satisfaction turns into regret, shame, and depression. And despite knowing full well what would result if I were to go crawling back to them, I had makeup sex with the Bruins.

I didn't mean to, the World Series game was delayed due to rain, and there was nothing on TV. But the Bruins were playing and it was like being horny and drunk and seeing your girlfriend out. Even though I said I was done with them, I was a little desperate and fell right into the trap. And of course, the sex was fantastic.

That is, the B's won 5-4, with Milan Lucic scoring the game winning goal with 1:49 left in the game. That goal was Lucic's third of the game and although the announcer said "It's raining hats" I didn't see more than 40 hats thrown on the ice. Lucic is 20 years old and at 6'4" 220lbs is one of the biggest players on the B's this year. He plays hard, hits hard, and I had decided during his first shift in the third period that I liked this kid. He made my choice look great by scoring two goals during the remainder of the game and banging hard in the corners. You might also remember Lucic as the guy who broke the glass with Van Ryn's head (see Bruins 2008-09 Moment of the Year).

And what I noticed was that the B's do have some young talent up front that are really fun to watch. They don't have goaltending - Manny Fernandez looked pretty awful tonight - and they don't have a great defensive core (Chara aside) so they will be lucky to make it past the first round of the playoffs (although they might be good enough for an 8-seed).

And so I sit around my room alone, remembering what once was. Am I ready to get back in a full fledged relationship with the Bruins? Well, I'm pretty sure Sinden and the Jacobs Brothers will end up trading Lucic and Kessel for a few aging defensemen, a star winger 9 years beyond his prime, and a double quarter pounder with cheese. So I'm not sure I'm ready for that quite yet. But I did enjoy the sex, and I even enjoyed the cuddling and talking afterward. So even if it's not quite time for a full commitment to the Bruins, I think I might try to see her pretty regularly. I mean, can you forget the good times:









Written by Kyle Baxter: Shameless Whore

NFL Picks: Week 8

Quick, what team is missing!?

So, when the VendorBall creators Dan and Kyle decided to write an NFL Picks column, we had one major problem. See, neither of us gambles, so where we know a fair amount about football and some about gambling, our lack of expertise might come to light. So we needed to hire a consultant. Someone who actually bets the games and spends time with the intricacies of betting with Vegas. Some call these people "degenerate gamblers," but we like to call them NFL Lines experts. So in this post, we are proud to introduce Tim Walsh, who will be providing a weekly segment: Tim's Picks of the Week. Tim will be giving us his top picks for NFL betting each and every week of the NFL season, as well as some advice on games he's staying away from, and anything else that he might be moved to write.

Also, we are starting a little friendly competition this week to run for the rest of the season. Tim will pick every game along with Dan and Kyle as well as a "randomizer." So there will be a random pick, determined by coin flip, as well as the pick by the three contributors. Winner gets 494 pride points to be used at their discretion. Losing to the coin flip results in -103 pride points. If the coin flip wins, we let the coin write an article. Don't test us, we'll do it.


Tim's Picks of Week 8

Buffalo at Miami
1:00, CBS
Commentators: Kevin Harlan, Rich Gannon

Line: Buffalo -1

The Bills take their 5-1 record on the road to (believe it or not) play their first AFC East game against the 2-4 Dolphins. Surprisingly the Bills are only laying 1 in what looks like an easy spot. Miami is coming off a home loss to Baltimore while Buffalo took care of San Diego last week in Orchard Park. So why the low line? This game could have opened with Buffalo laying a field goal and they still would have received the lion’s share of the wagering. 80% of the action is on Buffalo but the line is holding still at 1. It’ll probably get bet up closer to game time as the public will keep hammering Buffalo. Chad Pennington is quietly putting together a nice season in South Florida, ranking 4th in the NFL in completion percentage. You’d probably be surprised to know that Miami also averages more passing and more rushing yards per game than Buffalo. This has trap game written all over it and Vegas is hoping people will take the bait with Buffalo. I’ll take Miami +1.


St. Louis at New England
1:00 FOX
Commentators: Chris Rose, J.C. Pearson

Line: New England -7.5

Sorry to go against the hometown team here, but what’s with all the love for the Pats? Sure, they looked great on Monday night running all over a suspect Denver defense but is this team really back to where they want to be? If I told you before the season started that in week 8, the Patriots would be starting Matt Cassel and BenJarvus Green-Ellis and that they’d be laying more than a touchdown to anyone you would have thought I was crazy. But that’s where they find themselves as the Rams head to Foxboro. Hey, the Rams had a big unexpected home win last week. How come they get no love? They’re also 2-0 since Scott Linehan took over. I’ll take St. Louis +7.5 here. They might even win outright.


Washington at Detroit
1:00 FOX
Commentators: Thom Brennaman, Brian Billick

Line: Washington –8

The Lions are bad. The Lions are very bad. The Lions flat out stink. With that said, is Washington really good enough to be laying 8 on the road? The Redskins love to play to the level of their competition. They got up for a huge road win at Dallas as 10.5 point dogs, then came home to cough one up to the Rams. The almost choked away last week’s game vs Cleveland, who shanked a last second field goal that would have sent the game into overtime. Washington has home matchups with Pittsburgh and Dallas in the coming weeks so they may very well be looking past Detroit. Meanwhile the Lions have covered their last two. Yes, I know they are horrible, but when you bet the NFL, you need bad teams to do good things. Lions +8 is the play.


A few other tidbits from around the league

Is Baltimore really good enough to be laying a touchdown to anyone? I’m not in the right state of mind to bet Oakland on the road but I don’t think Baltimore deserves the respect the linesmakers are giving them here… Surprisingly, TB/Dallas is the least bet game of the week so far. Usually America’s team commands a large amount of action, but with the injury to Tony Romo, I’m sure most bettors are skeptical about what Cowboys team will be showing up…. Nobody should be wagering on the SD/NO game. Too many variables with Bush out and both teams are dealing with the flight overseas and the time change…It’s been 5 years since Peyton Manning has been an underdog of 4 or more points to someone other than New England. That came December 7, 2003 as the Colts were 4 point dogs to, you guessed it, the Tennessee Titans. Indianapolis won that game 29-27.


Week 8 Staff Picks

So we flip a quarter - heads for the home team. We'll be keeping stats, and if Kyle feels like making pretty graphs, we might have those too. Remember, we do not advocate gambling unless of course you need to make money really quick and there's a game that's a... great bet (there is a four letter world to use here, but as Tim says: "NEVER USE THE 'L' WORD!).

Oakland +7 @ Baltimore

Tim: Bal –7. Because somebody has to win.
Dan: Oak +7. Played the Jets very well last week.
Kyle: Bal -7. One week does not a team make. The Raiders are still a crappy team.
Coin: Bal -7

San Diego -3 @ New Orleans (In London)

Tim: SD –3. Loss of Bush hurts.
Dan: SD -3. They just need the win.
Kyle: SD -3. No home field advantage playing in London. "Bloody good game. Smashing. Yes."
Coin: NO +3.

Kansas City +13.5 @ New York Jets

Tim: KC +13.5. The Jets are favored by 2 TD’s? No thanks.
Dan: NYJ -13.5. The Chiefs are on their 3rd QB. Favre wins big.
Kyle: NYJ -13.5. Two words: Tyler Thigpen. That and no LJ because he spit in some chick's face
Coin: NYJ -13.5.

Buffalo -1 @ Miami

Tim: Mia +1. (see above)
Dan: Buf -1. Not a trap game, don't be fooled.
Kyle: Mia +1. Phins are tough in division games.
Coin: Buf -1.

Tampa Bay +2.5 @ Dallas

Tim: Dal – 2.5. TO has been conspicuously absent lately. That’ll change today.
Dan: TB + 2.5. 'Boys are playing awfully bad. Bucs pick up the win outright.
Kyle: Dal -2.5. Johnson is all right, and Marion Barber can still run the football.
Coin: Dal -2.5

Atlanta +9 @ Philadelphia

Tim: Atl +9. Matt Ryan still getting no respect.
Dan: Phi -9. Ryan's not ready for the Philly crowd.
Kyle: Phi -9. Ryan is ready, but the rest of his team might not be. Westbrook & Kevin Curtis back, too.
Coin: Phi -9.

St. Louis +7.5 @ New England

Tim: StL +7.5. (see above)
Dan: StL +7.5. Playing well with Haslett. Pats win, but not big.
Kyle: NE -7.5. Do you think BenJarvus Green-Ellis is the first tetra-namer in Pats history? I mean, 4 names! Damn!
Coin: NE -7.5

Arizona +4 @ Carolina

Tim: Car –4. Delhomme seems to be finding his stride.
Dan: Car -4. West coast team to the east coast? Bad odds this season.
Kyle: Ari +4. Welcome back Anquan Boldin - too many weapons for Cards.
Coin: Car -4.

Washington -8 @ Detroit

Tim: Det +8. (see above)
Dan: Was -8. Lions won't be able to see the 'Skins. That's how lopsided it'll be.
Kyle: Was -8. The Lions still suck, and they still play Orlovski.
Coin: Det +8.

Cleveland +7 @ Jacksonville

Tim: Jac –7. All kinds of problems on and off the field for Cleveland.
Dan: Jac -7. Jags are just too good. Will we see Brady Quinn?
Kyle: Jac -7. Oh Ohio NFL teams... at least your state will be important for the presidential election.
Coin: Jac -7

New York Giants +3 @ Pittsburgh

Tim: Pit –3. Looks like a toss up, I’ll take the home team.
Dan: Pit -3. Big Ben handles the champs at home.
Kyle: Pit -3. Slick Willie Parker coming back helps the Steelers.
Coin: NYG +3.

Seattle +5 @ San Francisco

Tim: SF –5. If a game is played, and no one is there to witness it or watch it on TV, does it actually happen?
Dan: SF -5. Holmgren's old project against his soon-to-be-new one.
Kyle: SF -5. I love Seattle and want to cry for their fans. I can't see them winning outright.
Coin: SF -5.

Cincinnati +9 @ Houston

Tim: Cin +9. Bengals have played the toughest schedule in the league so far.
Dan: Hou -9. Points aren't enough with the Bungles.
Kyle: Hou -9. Tough schedule, true, but I can't bet on a Harvard kid as an MIT alum.
Coin: Cin +9.

Indianapolis +4 @ Tennessee

Tim: Ind +4. Peyton as a dog too good to pass up.
Dan: Ten -4. Defense will swarm Peyton
Kyle: Ind +4. I predict a 23-21 Titans victory.
Coin: Ten -4.

Bruins 2008-09 Moment of the Year

End the voting. Unless they magically win the Stanley Cup, you're not going to see a better Bruins moment this season.

Tom Brady Update #4

Annnd here's more. The Boston Globe is reporting that the infection in Tom Brady's knee will set his rehabilitation process back by at least two months. The Boston Herald is reporting that the infection stemmed from an incision made to stabilize his torn MCL (not ACL).

More coming along I'm sure...

-- Dan Zappulla, Riding the Injury Wave.

World Series Game 2: Rays 4 - Phillies 2

It was a night of "who can do the best Dice-K impression" in Tropicana last night. What I mean by that, is in 17 half-innings played, 9 times the lead-off hitter reached base, Shields threw a lot of pitches and was done before the end of the 6th, while Brett Myers looked awful early on but settled in nicely. Both pitchers pitched themselves into trouble - Shields had to pitch his way out of situations with men on third in less than two outs in two or three consecutive innings. But the Rays were able to pull out the 4-2 victory behind strong situational pitching by Shields and David Price giving them 2.1 acceptable innings (2 Runs).

But let's rewind for a second. For the first game of the World Series, the Tampa Bay Rays invited none other than the Backstreet Boys to sing the national anthem. At the time I thought "Wow, that's the best you can do!? It's the World Series, dammit." Well I underestimated the Tampa Bay boys, and for last night's anthem, they invite Los Lonely Boys (pictured below).



Please, take a moment to let that sink in and familiarize yourself with their music if you'd like. I'll wait. OK, welcome back. Now in their defense they did sing a very good Anthem, but still, can't get a decent, more widely respected performer?


Now the paragraph was written about the anthem because as a game, it wasn't that good. There were plenty of exciting moments, from Rocco Baldelli picking off Jayson Werth at first base on a fly ball to right, to Werth throwing out Baldelli at home plate. But the Rays scored two runs on sacrifice ground balls in the first, and never looked like they were going to lose this game. Their other runs came on a safety squeeze (a bunt with a guy on 3rd, effectively) and a bases loaded single. Shields threw 104 pitches through 5.2 innings, and continually pitched himself in and out of trouble, but the top of the Phillies order (Rollins, Werth, Utley) went 1-for-14, and never looked good swinging the bats. Throw in an 0-for-3 by Burrell and the Phillies just did not look like a team that was going to win this ballgame.

David Price came in to finish off the 7th and stayed to pitch the 8th and 9th. He allowed Eric Bruntlett to hit a solo home run with two outs in the 8th, and a run on an Evan Longoria error in the 9th, but otherwise looked solid once again in the back of that bullpen. This guy will be a force to be reckoned with whether he ends up being the stopper in that bullpen or is moved to the rotation.

At some point, watching the TBS guys made me decide that I'd prefer Buck and McCarver as announcers. Well, by the 3rd inning I realized those two are absolutely f@#king morons. If they mentioned Rocco's mitochondrial disease one more time I was going to vomit. Don't get me wrong, it's a great story, but we don't need to hear it every time the man is put on screen, while they talk as if they have any idea about how the disease is managed or how it affects him. That and their crazy convictions, said with absolute confidence neither of them deserve to be speaking with. I love baseball, but I might not watch the next game on TV if I have to listen to those two morons again for 3 hours.

So we move to Game 3 over in Philly, in an outdoor stadium. Series tied 1-1.

Win: James Shields (1-0, 0.00)
Loss: Brett Myers (0-1, 3.86)
Player of the Game: Fox went with James Shields, I'm going with David Price. Price came in and despite not pitching perfectly, never left any doubt who was going to win this game.

As an aside, the Rays fans were fairly good this game early on. I'd say it was the best Rays fan performance for three innings that I've ever seen. That said, they still don't deserve a World Championship.

Written by Shaolin Monk, Kyle Baxter

Tom Brady Injury Update #3

The soap opera keeps evolving. This is one hell of a show. Here's the latest on Tom:

The L.A. Times is reporting that Brady's infection is responding very well to the issued antibiotics, and there is now a new-found optimism from the doctors. They are now under the impression that it will not delay Brady's rehab schedule at all.

Now, for the complete other side of the story. ESPN is reporting that people "close to Brady" are saying that Tom is preparing to fight the infection "for months, not weeks."

So...take this for what it's worth. I personally don't believe either side of the argument. It's gotta fall somewhere in the middle, right? More updates later today I'm sure.

-- Dan Zappulla, Growing Increasingly Anxious.

Tom Brady Injury Update

Various sources including ESPN are now confirming the multiple procedures done on Tom Brady's reconstructed ACL. His doctors are reportedly extremely concerned with the recurring infection developing in and around the wound.

Should the ACL have to be re-broken and the procedure completely redone, Brady would almost be a certainty to miss, at the very least, all of next year's training camp. The Patriots organization is none too happy with these developments, either. They reportedly lobbied strongly for Brady to have the procedure performed in Boston, but Brady elected to have it done in California in order to be closer to his family.

This one isn't over. I'm sure we'll have maaaany more updates over the coming hours and days. Get well, Tom. We miss you.

-- Dan Zappulla, Somehow Missing the Days of 18-1.

World Series Game 1: Phillies 3 - Rays 2

Excuse me, I need a minute to recover from the Brady News.
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Brady, I think I might actually cry. Thankfully the "Insider" part of www.tombrady.com tells a much more optimistic story. OK, I think I'm composed enough to write a bit about the first game of the world series.

One of the oddest terms we use to describe pitchers is "stud". Especially when you hear a bunch of ex-ball players continually referring to a guy as a "stud" as if he's slept with all of them (not that there's anything wrong with that). Well, in that same fantastic ritual, Cole Hamels is a stud (and not in bed... er... not that I would know).

In 3 playoff games leading up to The Series, Hamels has pitched at least 7 innings each time out, never surrendering more than two runs. That held up, as Hamels went 7 innings again last night, only allowing only two runs and striking out 5. With Ryan Madson and Brad Lidge cleaning up the 8th and 9th, the Phillies were able to capture game 1 in exciting fashion.

The only man in the Rays lineup that Hamels had no answer for was Akinori Iwamura, who went 3-3 with a double and an RBI off of Hamels, often hitting tough pitches. Cole's only mistake came with nobody on and Carl Crawford up (and by the lead up you can probably guess that Crawford went yard). But the Phillies pitchers were just too much for the Rays hitters in the long run. In fact, aside from Crawford's homerun and Iwamura's three hits, the only hit managed by the Rays was Ben Zorbist's single off of Hamels. The Philly bullpen was perfect in two innings.

The Phillies offense came primarily in the form of Chase Utley's 2-run first inning homerun off of Scott Kazmir. Kazmir had a classic Dice-K start - continually pitching himself into and out of trouble and walking far too many batters (4) while striking out just as many (4). Watching Kazmir actually made me miss Dice-K. The Rays bullpen also pitched well, not allowing any runs, but cutting it close on many occasions.

So we go to game 2, with the Phillies taking a 1-0 lead in the series. Admittedly, this is exactly how I expected it, as well as Dan. Dan expects the Rays to rattle of the next 4, I don't expect Cole Hamels to lose another game this postseason. We'll see.

Win: Cole Hamels (1-0, 2.57)
Loss: Scott Kazmir (0-1, 4.50)
Save: Brad Lidge (1)
Player of the Game: Cole Hamels (surprised? Has he lost any this offseason?)
Stat of the Night: Upton, Pena, and Longoria combined in the ALCS to go 23-for-81 with 11 homeruns, 25 RBI, 24 Runs, 5 doubles, and blah blah blah, was held 0-for-12 with only Pena reaching base on a Ryan Howard error but he was then picked off of first by Hamels. As a group they struck out 5 times, grounded into 2 double-plays, and had an error in the field. Wow.

What's on Tap?
The Phillies send out Brett Myers without his hot playoff bat against the Rays' James Shields at 8 PM tonight at Tropicana field. I'm sure all 12 Rays fans will be there again with those obnoxious cowbells. (Yes, I'm still bitter, wanna fight about it!?)


Written By Master of Mojo: Kyle Baxter

THHHOOOMMMAAASSSSSSS!

Ohh, this isn't good.

Reports are surfacing that Tom Brady has already had three additional surgeries after his initial ACL reconstruction. The three subsequent procedures were in an attempt to clear out a developing infection, which doctors are saying they "still don't have under control."

If they're not able to stabilize and eliminate the infection, the entire reconstruction procedure will have to be redone. Brady's ACL will have to be re-broken, and the clock on his recovery time will be reset.

So basically, get used to Matt Cassel for awhile. Doesn't look like Brady will be starting next season on-time after all. God damn it.

-- Dan Zappulla, Weeping Quietly.

Bitterness Aside, Time To Look at The Series

Truth be told, this is a quick turnaround for us. Usually the bitterness of such a brutal playoff loss would have us off the baseball shelf for at least a few weeks. You might notice we failed to recap the Sox-Rays series, as our fanhood got in the way of our writing. Yeah, we're not sorry. They got the MVP right, you most likely watched the games, there's nothing to be said for it.

And so we are forced to watch the Obama supported Tampa Bay Rays battle the Obama supported Philadelphia Phillies:


(The fact that this video made national news is hilarious and pathetic)

It should be a fairly interesting matchup, and if nothing else it's our last chance to watch baseball before the long winter. Also, Dan and Kyle are tied at 3-3 going into this last playoff series. This series will decide the victor of the MLB postseason both for the MLB and for VendorBall. Let's see what the boys say.

WORLD SERIES
Tampa Bay Rays (AL Champions) vs. Philadelphia Phillies (NL Champions)

Dan Picks: Tampa Bay Rays in 5
Why: We haven't had a World Series reach six games since 2003. It hasn't gone seven games since 2002. The recent Fall Classics have all been over and done with quite quickly, as Mr. Baxter will make reference to in a few moments. Plus, having just watched the Rays up-close for seven games, I'm completely convinced that their starting pitching (still on their regular rest) will dominate. As always, I will give Philadelphia a win because of their ace, Cole Hamels. Philly might even take Game 1. Tampa Bay's rotation is just too deep, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but the Rays will be the 2008 World Series Champions. (To be clear, I'm firmly rooting for Philadelphia. Matt Garza and Grant Balfour can kiss my ass.)

Kyle Picks: Tampa Bay Rays in 6
Why: The Philadelphia Phillies looked great during the NLCS, but have had a lot of time to sit around. We saw that last year with the Rockies, who came out looking flat and got swept by the Red Sox. The Phillies might have been sitting too long and lost that fire that comes with playing nearly every day. The Rays will still be hungry, just coming off the high of beating the Sox. The Rays pitching looks good, they got a stopper in David Price, who doesn't have a lot of mileage on his arm this year. The middle of the Rays lineup has been as hot as anyone in the league. The Phillies have the best pitcher left in baseball in Cole Hamels, and I do think he'll win his two starts. But sorry Philly, I don't think this is your year. (That said, I, too, am rooting for the Phillies and Joe Maddon can give me a BlowJob Upton while I sit on the john for a Longoria dump).


Of course, with both of us picking Tampa in less than 7, there's a damn good chance Philly will win in 7. You're welcome Phil's fans.

Breaking News -- Harrison Out for Season

And the hits just keep on coming. Patriots veteran safety Rodney Harrison has reportedly undergone season-ending surgery after suffering a torn quadriceps during last night's win over Denver.

Harrison is the third high-profile Patriot to be knocked out for the season after RB Laurence Maroney and QB Tom Brady.

Source: ESPN.com

2008-09 NBA Season Preview

This will be a season to remember. One week from today, the 2008-2009 NBA season tips off with rematch of one of last year's most exciting playoff series. The defending World Champion Boston Celtics will play host to LeBron James and the upstart Cleveland Cavaliers. In Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals, James and eventual NBA Finals MVP Paul Pierce put on a one-on-one show that rivaled the famed Bird/Wilkins shootout of the mid-80s.

Eastern Conference Analysis
It's hard not to pick the Celtics to at least reach the NBA Finals again. So, I will. (I'm a bigger homer than Tommy Heinsohn, I know. Bear with me.) The Celtics are destined -- barring a major injury -- to return to the Finals to defend their title. Pierce, Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen have had an entire season to play together and should be more fluid than ever before. The subtraction of James Posey will hurt come playoff time, but the regular season will provide youngsters like Glen "Big Baby" Davis, Gabe Pruitt, Leon Powe and Patrick O'Bryant time to mature.

Homerism aside, I ask you, dear readers, to tell me who would feasibly challenge the Celtics for the Eastern crown. The popular choice would be the Detroit Pistons, whom the Celtics knocked off in the Conference Finals last year. The problem is, Detroit no longer has the depth that they have become known for. Their main stars are falling faster than Matt Cassel. The Pistons will live and die by the play of Tayshaun Prince and Richard Hamilton. Chauncey Billups and Rasheed Wallace have both lost a step from their glory days, and god help them if Rodney Stuckey becomes their first man off the bench.

Other clubs like the Raptors, Bulls, Sixers, Wizards and Hawks will pop up, but there's only one team out there -- besides Detroit -- that can feasibly challenge the Celtics this year, and it's the Orlando Magic. Alright, alright. I know what you're saying. Why the hell would Dan pick the Magic to challenge the almighty Green? Dwight Howard. I hate to say this, considering my aforementioned blatant homerism, but Howard can overpower Kevin Garnett. He doesn't have the shooting range KG shows off, but in the paint, there's no one better. Not only can he out-strength Garnett, but throw in Tim Duncan, Emeka Okafor, Pau Gasol, Dirk Nowitzki, Amare Stoudamire and Al Jefferson for good measure. Platoon Howard with Rashard Lewis, who has the best three-point range of any big-man in the game, and you've got a deadly combination. Jameer Nelson, Hedu Turkoglu and J.J. Redick round out a dangerously offensive-minded club. (Whether they can defend is another story. That might be their Achilles' Heel.)

Teams Contending for the Conference Crown: Boston Celtics, Detroit Pistons, Orlando Magic, Cleveland Cavaliers.

Team that Might Surprise You: Ready for this one? The New York Knicks. God knows they've got the talent, they just can't seem to figure out what to do with it. Under the supervision of Mike D'Antoni, they might be ready to put it together for a nice little run. But hell, as long as Isiah Thomas is away from the bench, they've got to improve a little bit, right? Look for Jamal Crawford to emerge as a marginal superstar (or at least someone Stu Scott can yell "BOOYAH!" at), and Eddy Curry to finally become a serviceable presence in the paint. This team might just grab a playoff spot.


Western Conference Analysis
It's not going to be the Lakers again, so get that out of your head. I still can't figure out how they reached the Finals last year. Yeah, their offense is impressive, but man...they're soft. If you want to succeed in this league, you need to have physical and mental toughness, and Kobe's boys possess neither. I can still see Sasha Vujacic throwing a punch at a water boy during last year's Finals.



Classy guy, that one. Anyway, yes they're getting Andrew Bynum back, but this kid is still a long way away from being a dominant inside presence. Look for the Lakers to make the playoffs, maybe advance one round, and have Kobe make another trade demand in the offseason. (It feels weird that he didn't this summer. Maybe he forgot.)

With the Lake Show out of the title picture, we turn our attention to Old Faithful: the San Antonio Spurs, who have the worst P.A. announcer in all of sports. Look, if I called the Pistons 'old,' I can't call the Spurs anything less. However! The Spurs didn't seem to miss a step last year, and have proven that they can reach the top on multiple occasions. (Tim Duncan has four freaking championship rings. Seriously. FOUR. Kevin Garnett looked like he was going to wet himself when he won his first ring last year. He'll start taking people out with a blowtorch if he ever wins three more.) Back on topic... Duncan, Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker have been the NBA's REAL "Big Three" over the past half-decade. They've been stable, impressively coherent, and mentally concrete. Yes, they will lead a very veteran San Antonio team into battle this year, but a veteran team that has enough youthful reserve to be effective.

Last season was a breakout performance for the New Orleans Hornets. Led by perennial MVP candidate Chris Paul, they drove themselves all the way to the Conference's #1 seed before being ousted by San Antonio. This year, their team is still intact along with the huge addition of 2008 Celtics hero James Posey. If New Orleans can reach the postseason, which they almost certainly will, look for Paul, Posey and David West to open some eyes.

Teams Contending for the Conference Crown: San Antonio Spurs, Los Angeles Lakers, New Orleans Hornets, Dallas Mavericks (Though they might be gettin too Mavericky to win. It's impossible to ever watch them again without thinking of Tina Fey-lin. It's a good thing they have Mark Cuban to take care of the cronies and corruption on Wall Street while Dirk Nowitzki is dangling from a helicopter trying to gun down a moose.)

Team that Might Surprise You: It wouldn't be a huge surprise, but the Portland Trailblazers are locked and ready to wage war on the Western Conference. With a healthy Greg Oden, who does the best ESPN ads I've ever seen:



...the Blazers should be ready to compete with a surge of youth behind them. It's G.O. Time.


Full Standings Predictions
(#) - Denotes Playoff Seed

Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division
1. Boston Celtics (1)
2. Toronto Raptors (5)
3. New York Knicks (8)
4. Philadelphia 76ers
5. New Jersey Nets

Central Division
1. Detroit Pistons (3)
2. Cleveland Cavaliers (4)
3. Chicago Bulls
4. Milwaukee Bucks
5. Indiana Pacers

Southeast Division
1. Orlando Magic (2)
2. Washington Wizards (6)
3. Atlanta Hawks (7)
4. Charlotte Bobcats
5. Miami Heat

Quarter-Final Round
(1) Boston def. (8) New York
(2) Orlando def. (7) Atlanta
(3) Detroit def. (6) Washington
(4) Cleveland def. (5) Toronto

Semi-Final Round
(1) Boston def. (4) Cleveland
(2) Orlando def. (3) Detroit

Final Round
(1) Boston def. (2) Orlando


Western Conference
Northwest Division
1. Portland Trailblazers (4)
2. Denver Nuggets (7)
3. Utah Jazz (8)
4. Minnesota Timberwolves
5. Oklahoma City Thunder

Pacific Division
1. Los Angeles Lakers (2)
2. Phoenix Suns (6)
3. Golden State Warriors
4. Los Angeles Clippers
5. Sacramento Kings

Southwest Division
1. San Antonio Spurs (1)
2. New Orleans Hornets (3)
3. Dallas Mavericks (5)
4. Houston Rockets
5. Memphis Grizzlies

Quarter-Final Round
(1) San Antonio def. (8) Utah
(2) Los Angeles def. (7) Denver
(3) New Orleans def. (6) Phoenix
(5) Dallas def. (4) Portland

Semi-Final Round
(1) San Antonio def. (5) Dallas
(3) New Orleans def. (2) Los Angeles

Final Round
(3) New Orleans def. (1) San Antonio


NBA FINALS
Boston Celtics def. New Orleans Hornets
NBA Finals MVP: Kevin Garnett (BOS)

So there you have it, the Celtics will repeat, and all will remain right in the basketball world. Now if you'll excuse me, after two hours of writing, I need to empty my bladder. Which way to Madison Square Garden?

Posted by Dan Zappulla, VendorBall Columnist.

LCS Prediction Winner

Well, we're a little over baseball, but we need to keep back up with our score for predicting the baseball playoffs. This round: Dan and I got our asses kicked.

Score: Kyle 2.5 - Dan 1.5
Kyle holding a slight lead in the playoffs so far - let's see how the LCS goes down

ALCS

Dan: Boston in 7
Kyle: Boston in 6
Actual: Tampa in 7
Winner: Dan

Dan and I both believed the Sox would take this one, and really, it looked like they would take the series after Game 5. The Rays, however, remained resilient as they have all year and Matt Garza had his A game. Really, is that Delmon Young for Bartlett/Garza trade looking good for the Rays or what!?

LCS Score: Dan 1 - Kyle 0
Playoff Score: Dan 2.5 - Kyle 2.5

NLCS

Kyle: Los Angeles in 5
Dan: Los Angeles in 5
Actual: Philadelphia in 5
Winner: Tie

Wow. We weren't even close on this one. Both of us thought that LA would ride their dominating performance in the NLDS right through Philadelphia. But we were drastically mistaken. Philadelphia got good performances from their pitching staff with some clutch hitting. Done and done.

LCS Score: Dan 1.5 - Kyle 0.5
Playoffs Score: Dan 3 - Kyle 3

LCS Winner: Dan.

Now we are tied going into the World Series. Lots of pride points are on the line - the loser has to wipe the winners ass, using extra soft toilet paper, small circles, counterclockwise. Hey, that's not gay, that's just how we roll; losers get humiliated.

Patriots Sport Blue, Win 41-7

Wait, Bill Belichick smiles? Must be the blue!

For the first time this year, the Patriots sported their blue jerseys, and the resulting good karma helped to propel them to a 41-7 romping of the Denver Broncos. This game was a classic Pats victory, complete with stifling defense, key turnovers, commitment to the running game, and a good short passing game. The defense looked phenomenal all game long, resulting in the following results for the Broncos' first half possessions: fumble, fumble, punt, punt, interception, fumble.

Matt Cassel even looked good. He got Randy Moss involved early and often, tossing two touchdown passes to him over the course of the game. This was perhaps the most important result of the game, because if Randy goes without a good game for another couple weeks, you can be sure he's going to stop running routes and blocking downfield. Randy seems to have changed his tune since coming to Boston, but the familiar "I'm quitting on my team" movement is still in the undertones of this new Moss ditty.

But back to Cassel. He is no Brady in ball distribution, with 78% of his passes going to Moss, Wes Welker, and tight end Ben Watson. He only had 185 yards through the air, but had 3 TDs - and if someone has 19 fantasy points that probably means they had a pretty good day. He still holds the ball way too damn much and takes too many sacks because of it, but that might be something we're going to have to get used to.

But the story of the day was Sammy Morris. On a day where Laurence Maroney went on the IR (man, we got the wrong guy from Minnesota in that draft [Marion Barber]), Sammy Morris showed that he is up for shouldering the load as a starter, running for 138 yards and a touchdown in the first half alone. He was injured during the end of the second quarter, and undrafted free agent BenJarvus Green-Ellis (what a fricken name. What is with names today? What ever happened to Eddy and Shawn?) ran 13 times in the second half for 65 yards. He never looked quite as good as Morris, but he got the job done against a weak Denver run defense. So perhaps it wasn't Morris and the running game as much as it was Denver being soft.

In other injury News, Rodney Harrison got his cleat caught in the field when trying to pivot and looked to hurt his knee on the play (AGAIN!? This guy hurts his knee every year, it seems). He had to be carted off the field, and we'll have more info on his injury as it comes.

But overall, it was a solid, dominating wins for the Pats, something we really needed to see from this team. The Pats host the suddenly hot St. Louis Rams next Sunday at 1:00.

A line I forgot to add last Pats article: You stay classy, Whale's Vagina.

INJURY UPDATE: Rodney Harrison tore his quadriceps and will have season ending surgery, the Globe reports. Sammy Morris also hurt his knee in the game but his status is not yet known.

Written by Kyle "THE BAD MAN PUNTED" Baxter

Breaking News - Maroney Placed on IR

Today, the New England Patriots placed RB Laurence Maroney on Injured Reserve with an undisclosed shoulder injury, ending his season. Maroney is the second starting skill player to be placed on the IR by the Patriots this season, after QB Tom Brady.

Sammy Morris will now assume the starting RB duties for the remainder of the year.

Posted by Dan Zappulla, VendorBall Columnist.

Breaking News - Celtics Waive Darius Miles

In a move that many analysts saw coming, the Boston Celtics have today waived forward Darius Miles, trimming their roster to the maximum fifteen players.

This move temporarily ends Miles' attempted comeback after missing all of the 2006-07 and 2007-08 NBA seasons.

Posted by Dan Zappulla, VendorBall Columnist.

What Now?

A conversation between VendorBall staff members Dan Zappulla and Kyle Baxter:

(9:10:07 AM) Kyle Baxter: Well
(9:22:20 AM) Dan Zappulla: well?
(9:30:16 AM) Kyle Baxter: that sucked
(9:30:24 AM) Dan Zappulla: uh yup
(9:30:26 AM) Dan Zappulla: yup it did
(9:30:49 AM) Dan Zappulla: however
(9:30:57 AM) Dan Zappulla: we at VendorBall see this as a new challenge
(9:31:15 AM) Dan Zappulla: to cradle the infancy of Red Sox Nation and cuddle it close to our analytical teet
(9:31:45 AM) Dan Zappulla: we will press on and concern ourselves with The Big Three, and maybe Matt Cassel if we're drunk enough


With that, some things we'll be covering now that the Sox season is over:

1) The World Champion Celtics. Basketball season begins next week, so we'll have those crazy green boys to stay up on. Get it? 'Up'? Like, they're tall? Well screw you, you didn't think of it! (Dan will also be featuring a segment called "Tommy Talk" during every Celtics game review. It'll feature the most inappropriate and/or loud comment from Tommy Heinsohn during the previous night's game.)

2) The World Series. There is still a World Series to be played, and we'll be covering that closely, despite our disappointment over the ALCS outcome. (We'll probably only make a big deal of it if the Phillies win. Cause, you know, fuck Tampa Bay.)

3) The Patriots. Our Pats have gone mostly overlooked, and we'll be getting a little more in touch with them, but perhaps only after a few beers and a scottle of botch.

4) Weekly football picks. That's right, we'll be picking against the spread now that we have time to do it. (Heh. Spread.)

5) Off Season outlook. The baseball off season is a favorite of ours, and there are some big free agents looking for new deals this year, and we'll be previewing that. (And praising Peter Gammons every step of the way.)

6) Feature Pieces. We have been throwing various things we want to write about, but haven't had the chance to because of our daily Sox/playoff pieces, so we'll be posting some of those as the spirit moves us to write.

So don't fret, reader, come close to our teet and suckle the sweet nectar of life we will continue to provide.

Congrats Rays - But Your Fans Don't Deserve It

I don't want to recap the game, and so I won't. As it stands, the Rays are currently going to the World Series. Good for them, they're an exciting young team that was built from the ground up. The team deserves it, their fans do not, and I have a few things to say to those cowbell-ringing, blue-hair-dying, mohawk-wearing, bandwagon-jumping pseudo-fans.

I have said already that being a baseball fan through this long season is a journey that you take with your team. When times are tough, and good, you stick with your team. The Rays fans, however, could not even recognize their team was talented in September, where it was obvious they were making the playoffs. Seeing the Rays fans "celebrate" over their ALCS victory, I was disgusted at the full sight.

First, the Rays fans were at least 90% gone during the celebration. Has anyone else ever seen that? If you take a full journey with your team, you stick around for the celebration. Look in the background of this photo:


If you look in the background, you will see the stands are empty. REALLY!? No one wanted to stay for the celebration? Game over, time to go home? WHY!?

Second, the cowbell thing is preposterous and obnoxious. Fans who need help being loud and into a game aren't really fans. You need to be into the game for the game, especially when your team is young, talented, and fun to watch.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I have some attendance figures. From 2003-2007, the Tampa Bay [Devil] Rays were last in attendance percentage (percent of their stadium filled per home game) except for 2004, when they performed better than the Montreal Expos. That's right, they continually lost to the city that lost their team. But in 2008 they had a decent team, so their numbers must have gone up - and they did. How much? They ranked 24th in the league (a head of Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Texas, KC, Oakland and Florida). Let's look at all the playoff teams and their numbers. And their ranks.

Boston: 104.0% (1st)
Chicago Cubs: 99.1% (2nd)
Philadelphia: 97.1% (4th)
LA Angels: 91.4% (6th)
Milwaukee: 89.3% (8th)
LA Dodgers: 82.2% (12th)
Chicago Sox: 76.0% (13th)
Tampa Bay Rays: 52.8% (24th)

That's right, the Rays barely averaged filling over half their stadium. Let's throw in... ohh... the worst teams in baseball.

Washington: 68.2% (15th)
Seattle: 60.2% (21st)

The Nationals and the Mariners, the only 100 loss teams in baseball, filled more of their stadium on average than the Rays this year. And the Rays are going to the World Series. So when it comes down to it, do these fans deserve an ALCS Championship?

No, they do not.


Written by Real Baseball Fan, Kyle Baxter

Sox Force Game 7

The Sox overcame yet another homerun by BlowJ Upton to defeat the Rays 4-2 in last night's contest. Let's break this down by topic.

Josh Beckett
Beckett did not look fantastic in the victory, but he was effective. He did not have the giddy-up on his fastball, so instead he pulled a Schilling-esque performance by mixing his pitches, locating his fastball, and changing location on the Rays hitters. The announcers said Beckett had to "pitch to contact." Well I disagree with that, but he surely wasn't trying to overpower guys, just tried to keep them off balance, and except for the two bombs hit by Bartlett and Upton, Beckett was successful.

It was weird being nervous when Beckett took the mound every inning. Usually staking Beckett out to a one run lead is enough to instill confidence in the Sox Fan Base, but this time it was not. However, as the game went on and Beckett started cruising it started to feel better and better. It was surprising to see him come out after only 5 innings and 78 pitches, but that's an indication that he is still not 100% from that oblique strain.

James Shields
Shields leaned far too heavily on his change-up and could not locate it well enough to be effective. He only allowed 3 earned runs in 5.2 innings (oh Dan, you had the wrong starter's line), but did so by allowing 9 hits and 3 walks. He could have easily allowed 8 runs during his start but snaked his way out of trouble a few times. It would never be enough though, as he allowed two solo homeruns as well, including one to Jason "Rally Killer" Varitek, and he couldn't quell the rush in the 6th.


Boston Bullpen
The occasionally shaky Boston Bullpen held fast. After getting 5 innings from Beckett, the Sox turned to Okie for two innings and Masterson and Papelbon for one each. All three guys looked fantastic, combining to allow only one baserunner (an Okajima walk) in 4 innings of work. Even Masterson, who I have been pretty hard on as a reliever, looked phenomenal in his inning of work.

It was fantastic to watch the Boston bullpen put in a solid, shut down, game over performance. It will be interesting to see how they play out tonight, having thrown 4 innings last night. Then again, it's the playoffs, everyone's available.

Papelbon's playoff scoreless streak was extended to 25 innings. In those 25 scoreless innings he has surrendered only 10 hits, 6 walks, and struck out 22. It cannot be overstated how important it is to have someone so dominant in the bullpen during the playoffs. When we need a shut down inning, we have Pap-smear.

TBS
In a disgusting turn of events, TBS lost power in Atlanta so we missed the entire first inning. It is sad that one company is allowed to have a monopoly on broadcasting games, so when it blacks out everyone is S.O.L. Absolutely unbelievable. And in another turn of events, the Buffalo-San Diego game is also out, completely unrelated issue, but same result. Pathetic.

Rays' Fans
When the camera scanned the crowd during the Rays loss, there was the familiar sight of "I can't believe this is happening" faces. For Rays fans, this is the first time they've had this experience. It took these guys until September to realize their team was actually talented and going to make the playoffs, and now they're feeling their first inevitable disappointment. Not saying the Sox are a lock to win, but the Rays fans have that look. So I have a few works for Rays fans.

Welcome to the MLB. Get used to this feeling, only one team wins their last game. Next year, take the entire 7 month journey - the highs get higher, the lows are lower, but it's a fun ride. In the words of Dan "[The Rays fans] don't deserve to win this year."

What's On Tap?
The Sox turn to young ace Jon Lester who opposes the equally young Matt Garza. Lester will look to bounce back from his first playoff start allowing any runs (he allowed 4). What should we look for from Lester? See if his fastball has that extra pop and is hitting the mid-90's. If he's got the good fastball and can locate it, he'll be able to work in that nasty cutter and mix in his curve. I'll be surprised if he gets handled the same way he was last time out. Big game 7 tonight - buckle up.


Written by Kyle "Spank Me Hard And Call Me" Baxter